Yes, I sound like a broken record, but I have to go there again - by 'there' I mean FEAR. I knew going into retirement that it would be very important to keep my mind occupied, so that I didn't have extra time to over analyze every new ache, pain or shortness of breath.
For the first few weeks of retirement, I was busy. It wasn't all fun - I had multiple dental and optometry appointments and deferred maintenance projects around the house and yard. But fear is sneaky. It is constantly looking for access to my brain. Following a fun trip to the San Juan Islands in the fall, a shocking number of tragedies occurred: hurricanes reaking havic in Texas and Florida, mass shooting in Vegas, fires in wine country 60 miles north of my town in the East Bay, fire and then mudslides near Santa Barbara, and with each tragedy, I was glued to the tv and internet, letting all of it was soak my brain in constant terror and anxiety bath about what would happen next.
So it is no surprise that by Early 2018, it became clear that the Opdivo was no longer working and I was faced with conventional chemo. In the 2 weeks, prior to my first round, my brain was completely awash in terror.
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