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| Luna |
In Dr. Bernie Siegel's book "Love, Medicine & Miracles" the author says that patients must take responsibility and participate in all medical choices, and mobilize their will to live even while in the shock of diagnosis. I will admit, I did not do this. At first, I tried looking for information on the web, but ended up finding a whole lot of depressing statistics about the NSCLC squamous cell cancer (my diagnosis). Frankly, it all just scared the crap out of me!
At my first Oncology appointment, Dr. C told me to stop looking on the internet, I did and my anxiety levels dropped immediately. He told me I would be taking Nivolumab, and I didn't question it, I was actually relieved. I had just watched the Ken Burns documentary 'Cancer: the Emperor of All Maladies' and knew that immune therapy was the latest promising area of cancer research. The only thought that I could give to the treatment was 'either it's going to work or it isn't'.
Dr. Siegel also says that "the body can utilize any form of energy for healing, as long as the patient believes in it, so pick a therapy you believe in and proceed with a positive attitude." Although I was passive by Bernie's standards, I did believe in the treatment and approached it with as much of a positive attitude as I could muster.
A couple of months into the treatment I met another member of my healing team, a Nurse Practitioner, who took time to review all of the detail involved in the testing, diagnosis and treatment of my cancer. One thing NP gave me was a print out of the CT, PET and MRI scan results. I remember skimming the reports and noting down that I had numerous masses, the largest being roughly 11x8 centimeters - and made a mental note to see what that equated to in inches. I ended up setting these reports aside.
Last week I had a new spiral CT scan. Since Dr. C believed the masses were shrinking, I wanted to look up how large they were to start with, so when the new CT report came out, I could compare. When I pulled out the first report and read it, I just about lost it. The large mass was massive (grapefruit size) there were several small ones and an area with so many cancer spots, they were "too numerous to count" - and if that's not enough, there were suspicious spots on my liver and spine. To top it off, when I read all of this, I was fighting a fever and sore throat, so I couldn't even tell myself that I feel good today. I did receive a reassuring email, with a smiley face and all, from Dr. C after he reviewed the new CT scan report, but I continued to worry about my liver, my spine, etc.... I tried to stop - after all "worrying is just wishing for what you don't want", but fear is a tough nemesis.
In preparation for my next treatment, I had the obligatory blood test, and for the first time, my liver numbers (ALT, AST and LDH) had all spiked. My liver was stressed and I wouldn't be getting the Nivolumab treatment (#11) this week. This is a side effect of the immune therapy treatment, and I'm hoping that it's just temporary. I have a treatment appointment in 2 weeks, as long as the test numbers come down.
I did meet with Dr. C and confirmed that the grapefruit was now about 25% of it's original size, some of the smaller masses were no longer visible, and the spots on the liver and spine haven't changed and may not be cancerous. I have decided to release all of the fear and treat this as a chemo vacation. I do still believe in the power of knowledge, and Dr. Siegel does have a great deal to offer in taking control of my health. That said, I have to do it my way - trusting and believing in my instincts, my power, and my spirit, and all will be well in the end. In the meantime, I will be having some fun driving around in Luna!
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| Luna and friend, Verde, meet up at the charging station |
