6 Months Diagnosis Anniversary and the Self-Pity Party

my new t-shirt!

First, an update - I have had 2 more Nivolumab infusions since I had to skip a treatment due to a stressed liver.  I was worried about my liver last week ahead of the most recent blood test.  When I was in for acupuncture I mentioned it.  I was told to drink water with lemon in the morning to counter a 'hot' liver.   Since I have a lemon tree, this was an easy fix - and so far it seems to be working.

November 7th is the 6 month diagnosis anniversary.  I am over the shock, over the fear, but concerned about 'self-pity brain' settling in.  Recently, a former coworker died.  The news was sudden and everyone at work was shocked and saddened, except me.  My first thought was 'lucky bastard' -followed by  'he smoked way longer than me, he drank way more than me, exercised way less than me, and yet he died at home, not from a long drawn-out illness, but from a heart attack at age 69.  Life is not fair!'  What is wrong with me - why can't I just be sad for his family -why do I have to compare and judge his life to mine?  Is it just human nature or am I letting cancer put me in a prison of self absorption, and allowing it to distort my world view.

Helen Keller is quoted as saying "self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world."  Self-pity is definitely addictive.  Not only do I use it occasionally as an  excuse to skip the gym or have that second bowl of ice cream, but I find that I also use it to avoid making decisions about the future.   If left unchecked, self-pity is not only an obstacle to living life fully, but can also be destructive to me mentally and physically.  All of this is true, but sometimes I just can't help myself when the darkness creeps in.

Debbie Macomber states "it's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again, just be sure to flush when you are finished."  Maybe I am still adjusting to my new normal, or maybe it's human nature and I will have moments of self-pity as long as I can stop it before it takes up permanent residence in my gray matter. 

I want to end this blog post on a positive and grateful note, so I would like to say that I am so grateful to all of the lung cancer patients who came before me and participated in the immune therapy drug trials.  I know that I would be in far worse shape today, if it weren't for you - Thank You!   I guess I'm pretty lucky after all!